Parenting - a big word with bigger responsibility!!

Parenting the word in itself can seem daunting and overwhelming. The way people and society views you once you enter parenthood can make it challenging. Living in society and succumbing to its ways and views is natural for most of us. More over in traditional family set ups involving living with one’s parents opens up whole new dimension for parenting. What I am trying to say here is it is almost impossible to be objective about parenting skills and one’s parenting style.

“One will find children coming from different backgrounds and family setups have similar personalities while children who grow up together end up having very different personalities”. How does this happen? How much does one’s parenting style affect children’s behaviour? The key here is, understanding that upbringing and behaviour are not one and the same. Our upbringing decides our value systems while our behaviour is a confluence of learning and experience. So is parenting also a result of our personality and behaviour? The answer is still not clear. As parents we tend to draw upon our experience in life and on our experience of being children to our parents. Often you will hear yourself say “I will never do this to my child”, most often than not we set standards for ourselves which are either idealistic or too steep. Parenting is not a procedure or looking at a manual to assemble and fix things. Parenting is all about fixing things over and over again and each time in a different way. Every child is different and so even if every child is going to go through the troubles of teenage, how you handle it cannot and will not be the same. As parents you set a precedent for what follows an action.

To put it simply there are four basic parenting styles authoritarian, authoritative, permissive and uninvolved. Always remember that do not slot yourself in either of these styles rather understand what they mean and use the techniques used in each of these styles to suit your situation. 

The authoritarian style is one where strict rules are laid and the child is constantly told what to do and how to do but is not given any reasoning for the same; any hesitance or resistance from the child’s side results in punishment. Ideally in today’s time and age this style of parenting is not very likely to be effective with the child. Statements reflecting this style of parenting include - “Do as you are told”, “Because I say so”, “I am not listening to you but you are to listen to me” etc.

The authoritative style of parenting on the other hand also has parents establishing the rules but they are more reasonable. In the sense that they are willing to answer questions and back up rules with why they need to be followed. Children are allowed to express themselves without disregarding the rules. Failure to meet parental expectations does not result in punishment but supporting the child and letting them know that trying is important and there is always a next time. Statements reflecting this style of parenting include - “How about you try and do it this way as it might help you”, “we have tried it your way and maybe it is not working so it might be time to try and do it differently”. This might be the style of parenting best suited to today’s age and time where logic and reasoning precede most choices children make.

Permissive style of parenting as the name suggests reflects indulgent parents who let their child have their way in the things they do. They are more like friends and less parent like with the child. While some children may appreciate the freedom and choose to exercise it carefully others might make choices that they might regret later and also tend to blame their parents for not correcting them at the right time. In today’s day and age one might be very tempted to follow this style of parenting but tread carefully as it can lead to big decisions make by young minds who lack the experience in life that you can provide them with. Statements reflecting this style of parenting include - “As you wish”, “Whatever you want to do”, “You tell me and we will do accordingly”.

The last style of parenting is uninvolved parenting where parents are happy to provide the child the basic needs in life but stay detached from the child’s life. To put it simply, they provide the child with a bag, books, uniform and everything he or she needs for school but never ask what happens in school, get involved in the child’s schooling or participate in things with the child which may be very important to the child. It is very hard for most parents to be this way but if you do choose to do so, be assured that you will find yourself with a child who pulls away from you and chooses to stay detached all life.

In most major cities in India, life is a race and it is all about running the fastest and staying ahead of everyone. In the process we as parents tend to miss out on the small things in life that make parenting a beautiful experience. Dinner time can be when the meaningful conversations can take place provided dinner time happens without the TV. As a parent you are not getting involved with your child’s life and spending ‘quality time’ only by sitting in the same room as your child but indulging in separate activities. At times it is about choosing moments like when travelling in the car to get to school, classes etc, at dinner time, just before bed time etc when you can truly interact and listen to your child. When time is scarce and every second counts, make this time with your child count too – 15 mins 3 times a day of unhurried, relaxed and insightful conversations can be meaningful for both of you.

Like with most things in life consistency is the key here as well. As parents you need to try and stay on the same page for children as young as toddlers pick up on these things and use it to their advantage. More often than not blame games and bitterness takes over making this unique rollercoaster ride of parenting exhausting and unappealing. Enjoy what you do with your child, for your child and as a parent reap the rewards of the greatest gift one can ever get “to make a child and help it become what he or she truly wants to be”.

Children today, our future tomorrow!

For centuries now children have been compared to a “tabula rasa” meaning blank state as stated by educationalist John Locke. The basic premise being children are neither good nor bad and their personality is shaped by their experiences over a period of time making them impressionable from a young age. There are many parallels drawn since comparing children to soft clay that can be moulded, a blank canvas that can turn into any painting etc.

Here is something for us to reflect on a little –

In the whole process of providing meaningful experiences, shaping, moulding and influencing the child, have we taken it too far?

Does providing them with experiences mean telling them what to do?

Are we encouraging self thought and reflection of one’s actions by constantly pointing out the right from the wrong?

In a time and age when ideas, thoughts and ways of life are changing we as parents, professionals, educators find it increasingly difficult to maintain a balance between holding on and letting go. Traditional Indian society focused on raising children, nurturing them and inculcating in them good values and morals. Modern India needs a new generation with strong values and a balanced head which can be tricky. The best gift you can give a child is by urging your child to invest in their interests and encouraging them to venture into pathways that are unusual yet satisfying their thirst for intellectual curiosity.

Free will vs freedom of choice?

Looking at the two terms closely, they can be deceptively similar, but are they really? Every age and stage of development requires a change in parenting styles and it is constant tug of war for control between you and the child. Does it really have to be so? Is it so important to stamp your authority or not let children exercise their choice? Looking back on my childhood, it was a lot different to children today, being told what to do and may be even how to do it but more importantly it was accompanied with a why to do it explanation? And that made all the difference in my consent to doing things because it was always supported by a logical reasoning.

Here is a small exercise to try at home –

Giving your child an opportunity to exercise their choice is good but how can you possibly do it without making your child feel like each time their choice is being shot down.

Example – you are about to go out for dinner and ask your child to get dressed,

With a 3 or 4 year old child set out 2 different pair of clothes and let them choose between the two in this way you are allowing the child to make an independent decision which is not going to be refuted.

With an older child ask them to get dressed and if you find that what they have chosen is inappropriate, instead of demanding that they change, ask them a series of questions?

Your outfit looks very comfortable, but do you think it is appropriate for this occasion?

Would do dress in the same way if you were going with your group of friends?

Is it ok to be wearing a summer dress in winter and vice versa?

By asking them these questions you are encouraging them to reflect on their choice and think about the possible consequences of their action.  Reflective practice is a life skill that can change the way one thinks and the outcome of one’s actions.  Reflection again can be done during the action and after the action i.e. reflection in action and reflection on action. It can be a challenge at first and needs to be done regularly so becomes a habit and a part of your personality.  Reflection and critical thinking are major life skills that guide us towards sound decision making that is both meaningful and purposeful. However these are not life skills that can be taught by books, teaching in a classroom or studying. These are skills that are developed by our experiences and how we respond to these experiences.

Using words like no, stop, don’t it all the time makes children feel less confident and less sure of their action. Instead replace these with what are you doing? Why are you doing it? How do you think it makes me feel? Making children feel responsible for their actions and reflecting on them is crucial to helping them make better choices. All our actions are supported by some emotions or result in some emotions, draw attentions to the emotional feelings it causes in the person performing the action and the person who is affected by it.

For each statement put yourself in the shoes of the person saying the words and then reflect on how that would make you feel if you were at the receiving end.

No, don’t do it.

Person –

Recipient –

Why do you do it all the time?

Person –

Recipient –

I say stop and I mean it.

Person –

Recipient –

If you had listened to me this would never have happened.

Person –

Recipient – 

Food for thought# 

Don't ask your child to become someone or something rather show them what they truly are!!