Parenting the word in itself can seem daunting and
overwhelming. The way people and society views you once you enter parenthood
can make it challenging. Living in society and succumbing to its ways and views
is natural for most of us. More over in traditional family set ups involving
living with one’s parents opens up whole new dimension for parenting. What I am
trying to say here is it is almost impossible to be objective about parenting
skills and one’s parenting style.
“One will find children coming from different backgrounds
and family setups have similar personalities while children who grow up
together end up having very different personalities”. How does this happen? How
much does one’s parenting style affect children’s behaviour? The key here is, understanding
that upbringing and behaviour are not one and the same. Our upbringing decides
our value systems while our behaviour is a confluence of learning and
experience. So is parenting also a result of our personality and behaviour? The
answer is still not clear. As parents we tend to draw upon our experience in
life and on our experience of being children to our parents. Often you will
hear yourself say “I will never do this to my child”, most often than not we
set standards for ourselves which are either idealistic or too steep. Parenting
is not a procedure or looking at a manual to assemble and fix things. Parenting
is all about fixing things over and over again and each time in a different
way. Every child is different and so even if every child is going to go through
the troubles of teenage, how you handle it cannot and will not be the same. As
parents you set a precedent for what follows an action.
To put it simply there are four basic parenting styles
authoritarian, authoritative, permissive and uninvolved. Always remember that
do not slot yourself in either of these styles rather understand what they mean
and use the techniques used in each of these styles to suit your
situation.
The authoritarian style is one where strict rules are laid
and the child is constantly told what to do and how to do but is not given any
reasoning for the same; any hesitance or resistance from the child’s side
results in punishment. Ideally in today’s time and age this style of parenting
is not very likely to be effective with the child. Statements reflecting this
style of parenting include - “Do as you are told”, “Because I say so”, “I am
not listening to you but you are to listen to me” etc.
The authoritative style of parenting on the other hand also
has parents establishing the rules but they are more reasonable. In the sense
that they are willing to answer questions and back up rules with why they need
to be followed. Children are allowed to express themselves without disregarding
the rules. Failure to meet parental expectations does not result in punishment
but supporting the child and letting them know that trying is important and
there is always a next time. Statements reflecting this style of parenting
include - “How about you try and do it this way as it might help you”, “we have
tried it your way and maybe it is not working so it might be time to try and do
it differently”. This might be the style of parenting best suited to today’s
age and time where logic and reasoning precede most choices children make.
Permissive style of parenting as the name suggests reflects
indulgent parents who let their child have their way in the things they do.
They are more like friends and less parent like with the child. While some
children may appreciate the freedom and choose to exercise it carefully others
might make choices that they might regret later and also tend to blame their
parents for not correcting them at the right time. In today’s day and age one
might be very tempted to follow this style of parenting but tread carefully as
it can lead to big decisions make by young minds who lack the experience in
life that you can provide them with. Statements reflecting this style of
parenting include - “As you wish”, “Whatever you want to do”, “You tell me and
we will do accordingly”.
The last style of parenting is uninvolved parenting where
parents are happy to provide the child the basic needs in life but stay
detached from the child’s life. To put it simply, they provide the child with a
bag, books, uniform and everything he or she needs for school but never ask
what happens in school, get involved in the child’s schooling or participate in
things with the child which may be very important to the child. It is very hard
for most parents to be this way but if you do choose to do so, be assured that
you will find yourself with a child who pulls away from you and chooses to stay
detached all life.
In most major cities in India, life is a race and it is all
about running the fastest and staying ahead of everyone. In the process we as
parents tend to miss out on the small things in life that make parenting a
beautiful experience. Dinner time can be when the meaningful conversations can
take place provided dinner time happens without the TV. As a parent you are not
getting involved with your child’s life and spending ‘quality time’ only by
sitting in the same room as your child but indulging in separate activities. At
times it is about choosing moments like when travelling in the car to get to
school, classes etc, at dinner time, just before bed time etc when you can
truly interact and listen to your child. When time is scarce and every second
counts, make this time with your child count too – 15 mins 3 times a day of
unhurried, relaxed and insightful conversations can be meaningful for both of
you.
Like with most things in life consistency is the key here as
well. As parents you need to try and stay on the same page for children as
young as toddlers pick up on these things and use it to their advantage. More
often than not blame games and bitterness takes over making this unique
rollercoaster ride of parenting exhausting and unappealing. Enjoy what you do
with your child, for your child and as a parent reap the rewards of the
greatest gift one can ever get “to make a child and help it become what he or
she truly wants to be”.